Friday, August 1, 2008

Freedom to Record Spiritual Events for Future Gospel Inclusion

This post chronicles the discovery of the Jesus Cheeto, documents God's intent in creating the divine cheese snack and humanity's continually disappointing response (reference current plowshare production).

It does so for the hopeful inclusion in Bible 3000, to be compiled at the Council of Shanghai in 2992. The CD will be buried in a clay pot on the grounds of the Frito Lay factory in Hawaii. I trust a Chinese Catholic (separate from the Vatican) tourist will stumble across the find of deeply sacred and religious material. Also, it seems a good idea to use the traditional Gospel names, replacing the first letter with P, to indicate prosperity. Assuming the Jesus Cheeto is freed from jail, in the form of a dark safe deposit box, here's what could happen:

The Prosperity Gospel
(as Recorded in the Book of Puke)

(Puke I, verses 1-7) The Lord grew concerned over the growing legions of liberal bloggers, squinting at their computer monitors in dark basements. Their posts frequently attacked his favorite nighttime caller. George W. Bush occupied #66 on the Lord's speed dial, just after #65 John Hinkley.

But rather than strike the unclean liberals with lightning through their internet connections, God had compassion.

He sent his only fried cheese stick to save liberal bloggers. But somehow, the Jesus Cheeto ended up in a conservative blogger’s lap. Sure, this would usher in more God inspired wealth, the Freeper put the holy snack on E-Bay. In what could only be described as a miracle, bidding reached $10.

The Freeper took the $12.50 (they made extra money on shipping), and purchased new underwear. Hallelujah!

Translated into Chinese: Ho Lot Ta Bung, Yu Yank Eee Dung Beetle